Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Cristin gets the traveling pants!
posted by Shappy at 3:04 AM
posted by Shappy at 3:01 AM
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Here's me and the director of FANBOYS, Kyle Newman!
posted by Shappy at 6:37 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
ALL HAIL OUR FIRST NERD PRESIDENT!!!
posted by Shappy at 2:59 PM
Monday, December 22, 2008
Oh, and as it turns out, I'm an award-winning muse!
posted by Shappy at 9:55 PM
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Read poetry at the NYC Comic Con and at St. John's Cathedral. Coached a slam team to a first
place victory. Set up my own computer. Re-enacted Monty Python & The Holy Grail at GenCon. Ate a teddywedger.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made any.
3. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Kissing my gal.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
5. What countries did you visit?
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A better work ethic in terms of writing.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Election night. I was surrounded by poets, comics and freaks and it was like New Year's Eve.
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
8 years with my lady, putting money way for the future, 6 years athe Bowery Poetry Club, appearing in Playboy and Wired Magazine for FANBOYS.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting our team to Semi's. Not getting a new chapbook together.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just a few gout flare-ups.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
New computer. Batphone.
12. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, food and comics.
13. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Single Ladies by Beyonce. It's so stupid and I can't get it out of my head! I oughta put a ring on it!
14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
16. What was your favourite TV program?
The Office, Venture Brothers, Mad Men, Heroes, Flight of the Conchords.
17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
18. What was the best book you read?
Words In Your Face, An Anthology of Graphic Fiction, Cartoons & True Stories Vol.2. More Information Than You Require, Get Up.
19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Vampire Weekend, it's the only new band I listened to this year.
20. What was your favourite film of this year?
21. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Went out for Greek food, 39.
22. What kept you sane?
Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz
23. Who did you miss?
My family who I don't get to see enough.
24. Who was the best new person you met?
25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Napping is under-rated
posted by Shappy at 11:58 AM
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Funky Clown Town
by Andrew Berger.
Unauthorized transcription by Charles Ekabhumi Ellik
I walked down
to the Funky Clown Town.
I socked the clown
and made him frown.
I made him hurt.
I made him cry.
I socked him again,
yeah, right in his eye.
Now, most people think clowns are fun, yeah.
Well, I’m really glad I brought my gun!
I screamed, “Hey, ya stewpid-ass clown!”
Then I shot that mutha-fucka down!
See, it was a car-jacking,
so I took his ride.
Me and my clown-killing posse,
we hopped inside.
We rolled through that crazy clown town.
Killin lies, pullin my piece,
capped off a few clowns.
Clowns fell, and fell, by the score.
Killin clowns is fun, y’all,
it’s really not a chore.
Now, you may wonder
from where this hatred comes.
Well, it’s those crazy clowns,
man they’re the ones.
See, I used to think clowns were nice,
till I seen the movie Poltergeist.
Then there’s Kinko, you know,
the kid-loving clown?
You know how he likes to take the kids
and feel them up and down.
Like I said, I think killing clowns is kind of fun.
Stop! Pop! Pop! Pop!
There goes another one.
I turn around and once again
it’s me and my clown-killing friends,
heard them fools talkin shit,
and them clowns just don’t quit!
Clowns began to run and stumble.
Check your head, boys, it’s time to rumble!
I ran down, socked the clown.
It hurt his eye, so I shot through his thigh.
Heard him cry, he didn’t want to die.
But I didn’t care.
Cuz clowns were rollin in from everywhere!
I raised my arms about chest high,
pulled my triggers and watched clowns die.
I shot em big, I shot em small.
If I could, I’d shoot em all.
But I can’t, cuz they keep comin,
so I turn around and start runnin.
Down an alley with a left and a right,
I could tell it was late, very late at night.
All of a sudden, face-to-face, with a miiiiiiime!
He tried to scream, but there was no time!
My gun was ready, his was not.
The next thing he knew,
he’d been SHOT!
posted by Shappy at 11:13 PM
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
posted by Shappy at 1:39 PM
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
50 THINGS YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN ABOUT OBAMA-
• He collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics
• He was known as "O'Bomber" at high school for his skill at basketball
• His name means "one who is blessed" in Swahili
• His favourite meal is wife Michelle's shrimp linguini
• He won a Grammy in 2006 for the audio version of his memoir, Dreams From My Father
• He is left-handed – the sixth post-war president to be left-handed
• He has read every Harry Potter book
• He owns a set of red boxing gloves autographed by Muhammad Ali
• He worked in a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop as a teenager and now can't stand ice cream
• His favourite snacks are chocolate-peanut protein bars
• He ate dog meat, snake meat, and roasted grasshopper while living in Indonesia
• He can speak Spanish
• While on the campaign trail he refused to watch CNN and had sports channels on instead
• His favourite drink is black forest berry iced tea
• He promised Michelle he would quit smoking before running for president – he didn't
• He kept a pet ape called Tata while in Indonesia
• He can bench press an impressive 200lbs
• He was known as Barry until university when he asked to be addressed by his full name
• His favourite book is Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
• He visited Wokingham, Berks, in 1996 for the stag party of his half-sister's fiancé, but left when a stripper arrived
• His desk in his Senate office once belonged to Robert Kennedy
• He and Michelle made $4.2 million (£2.7 million) last year, with much coming from sales of his books
• His favourite films are Casablanca and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• He carries a tiny Madonna and child statue and a bracelet belonging to a soldier in Iraq for good luck
• He applied to appear in a black pin-up calendar while at Harvard but was rejected by the all-female committee.
• His favourite music includes Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Bach and The Fugees
• He took Michelle to see the Spike Lee film Do The Right Thing on their first date
• He enjoys playing Scrabble and poker
• He doesn't drink coffee and rarely drinks alcohol
• He would have liked to have been an architect if he were not a politician
• As a teenager he took drugs including marijuana and cocaine
• His daughters' ambitions are to go to Yale before becoming an actress (Malia, 10) and to sing and dance (Sasha, 7)
• He hates the youth trend for trousers which sag beneath the backside
• He repaid his student loan only four years ago after signing his book deal
• His house in Chicago has four fire places
• Daughter Malia's godmother is Jesse Jackson's daughter Santita
• He says his worst habit is constantly checking his BlackBerry
• He uses an Apple Mac laptop
• He drives a Ford Escape Hybrid, having ditched his gas-guzzling Chrysler 300
• He wears $1,500 (£952) Hart Schaffner Marx suits
• He owns four identical pairs of black size 11 shoes
• He has his hair cut once a week by his Chicago barber, Zariff, who charges $21 (£13)
• His favourite fictional television programmes are Mash and The Wire
• He was given the code name "Renegade" by his Secret Service handlers
• He was nicknamed "Bar" by his late grandmother
• He plans to install a basketball court in the White House grounds
• His favourite artist is Pablo Picasso
• His speciality as a cook is chilli
• He has said many of his friends in Indonesia were "street urchins"
• He keeps on his desk a carving of a wooden hand holding an egg, a Kenyan symbol of the fragility of life
• His late father was a senior economist for the Kenyan government
posted by Shappy at 12:34 PM
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
David Rees: What To Do When It Finally Hits You And Your Mind Explodes: A Safety Guide
If you're like most people, you're still in shock. THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS HAVING YOUR MIND BLOWN.
Even if you're stumbling around the office saying, "I can't believe it . . . I can't believe it . . . it blows my mind . . ." that doesn't actually mean the absolute, glorious, unfuckingbelievableness of it has caught up with you and officially blown your mind.
Neurologists expect most Americans' minds to blow sometime around 11:00 PM EST tonight (Nov. 5), approximately 24 hours after the election was called.
Just a few simple precautions can make the difference between your mind blowing in a positive, healthy way . . . or a way that endangers you and other people.
First of all: WEAR A HELMET. You need to keep your skull from exploding. I was actually going to wrap my entire head in duct tape to keep it together -- until my wife suggested that might starve my brain of the oxygen required to actually comprehend how goddamn insanely, mind-blowingly historic this is. So I'm wearing an old bicycle helmet, on which I have written:
DANGER! IF THIS HELMET IS VIBRATING AND ITS WEARER IS SWOONING AND BABBLING, HIS MIND IS IN THE PROCESS OF BEING TOTALLY BLOWN. STAND BACK 50 FEET.
Secondly: DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS. Keep your mind hydrated. When the reality of the election result finally catches up to it, it's going to explode in a million little starbursts of Palinesque intensity. You need to make sure those starbursts aren't dry and chalky. I also recommend sticking multivitamins in your ears, to enrich any mind that blows out the sides of your head.
Third: DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY. I realize this may further damage our economy, but I don't want to be around some forklift operator who suddenly realizes what the heck happened last night just as he's moving hundreds of pounds of boxes near where I'm standing. What if his mind gets so blown, he goes limp and starts flapping around saying, "You can't be serious, this is so mind-blowingly intense, Oh my God, America, America, America, we did it!" because at that point, who's minding the forklift?
Finally: ENJOY THE PROCESS OF YOUR MIND BEING BLOWN. This particular mind-blowing braingasm will happen only once in American history . . . and your mind gets to be a part of it. (i.e., It's going to totally blow your freaking mind.) When it finally hits you -- when it really, truly hits you -- and you feel your mind starting to explode, lay back and smile.
After all, you earned it.
posted by Shappy at 5:03 PM
Last night was like New Year's Eve! So awesome to be surrounded by friends and host a great evening of art and politics! I now know what hope feels like. God bless the USA.
posted by Shappy at 5:28 AM
posted by Shappy at 5:27 AM
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I bartended last night, so Cristin had me come home and wake her up so that we could vote first thing together. By the time I switched into my CAPTAIN AMERICA teeshirt and walked to our polling place, he line was already halfway down the block! At 6am!! I wanted to give everyone HIGH-FIVES!! YAY ASTORIA!
We still have the old lever voting machines! A little bit of a wait and two satisfying "THUNK...KA-CHUNK"s later --- both Cristin and I have VOTED!
Now it's time for me to go to SLEEP, and my lady to go to WORK!
ps - EXIT POLLS TONIGHT AT THE BPC!! SEE YA THEN!
posted by Shappy at 6:59 AM
Monday, November 03, 2008
Hey, poetry fans (and political junkies)!
First of all, thanks for making our MISSION ACCOMPLISHED SLAM a big HIT!
John S. Hall shocked and awed us all with his latest feature and the
political debate format brought out a lot of poets! THERE IS NOT A
SLAM THIS TUESDAY, however, the Bowery Poetry Club will be streaming
the election results LIVE as they come in!
What I'm saying is, I will be hosting an OPEN-MIC from 7-10 for anyone
wanting to spout off about the election process, or politics in
general, and there will be drink specials and live music ALL NIGHT LONG!
Why sit at home chewing your nails? Come out and celebrate DEMOCRACY!
Dare I say it will be an early night? I hope so!
We'll start up the SECOND QUARTER next Tuesday with ALIX OLSON! But,
until then, join us for a LANDSLIDE O' FUN!
Shappy-Ambass- O-Dore O' Hope!
Here's the skinny:
10:00 pm-Music, Election Results, Drink Specials-until we get the
right guy in office!
Tuesday, Nov. 4, 2008- EXIT POLLS!
Bowery Poetry Club
Urbana starts up again NEXT TUESDAY-
posted by Shappy at 2:07 AM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
posted by Shappy at 12:52 PM
Monday, October 27, 2008
From my pal Ernie Cline's LJ-
Um. Yeah. Didn't see this coming...
The Weinstein Co. just announced that they're bumping the release date of Fanboys (again) to February 2009. Since this is the FIFTH time this has happened, I should be inured to this crap by now, right?
The word around the campfire is that it's because the studio is on the verge of going under.
From today's LA Times:
"It's gotten to the point where if you have a movie with the Weinstein Co., you need to have your agent phoning Exhibitor Relations every morning to see if your film's still coming out. Even worse, you can't be sure who'll be handling the company's acquisition, marketing or production either." (full article here)
It's not just my little geek movie. Some of the other TWC films being bumped to 2009 are Crossing Over (starring Harrison Ford & Sean Penn), The Road (starring Viggo Mortensen), and Shanghai (starring John Cusack).
Don't worry. I'm keeping this all in perspective. The global economy is collapsing. If your biggest problem is that the release of your first movie keeps getting delayed, you need to shut your cryhole and count your blessings.
On the upside, the Fanboys trailer is supposed to play in front of Zack & Miri Make A Porno, which opens next week. And the lame ass poster the studio designed should be shipped to theaters early next month.
If this keeps up, my next movie will be out before my first one ever sees the light of day.
posted by Shappy at 1:16 PM
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
posted by Shappy at 10:28 PM
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
posted by Shappy at 12:28 AM
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